Taiyang is a Horrible Father
by neowolf24
Summary: A brief mini series depicting the truth behind Taiyang's (and Summer's) horrible parenting. Read and wonder how Ruby and Yang survived the antics of their parents.


Patch

Ten Years before Cannon

Tai Yang's POV

It's early morning in a small cabin in the woods as a younger looking Tai Yang is preparing to make waffles in the Kitchen. He starts to pour pancake batter into the waffle maker and closes it as the first batch of waffles begin. In the meantime, he heads over to a cabinet to get a coffee mug. He grabs a cup that says "Super Mom" on the side and chuckles at it. "Super Mom indeed." He says with a wistful smile. He simply doesn't have the heart to tell the girls that he's the one who actually did everything. The one time he left Summer alone with the kids, a two year old Yang made a mess by wrapping her sleeping mother in toilet paper and Ruby disappeared entirely.

He found Ruby inside a giant cookie jar they had. Summer was a hysterical mess, thinking she had trapped her child was trapped, but Tai Yang just pulled Ruby out of the jar. She came out with part of a comically large cookie in her mouth.

He put her in her high chair as her mother began to calm down before turning a look at Yang, who had a look of faux innocence on her face that she picked up from Summer. Summer's face was bright red as she realized how stupid she was while Tai Yang burst into laughter. Summer's face puffed up in adorable anger as she marched right over to the man and slugged him in the shoulder. It didn't hurt, as his wife was terrible in hand to hand combat, but it was enough to make him stop laughing briefly. Then both of them started laughing at the silliness of the situation.

A tear comes to the man's eye as he fondly remembers his late wife's antics. "What's wrong daddy?" A young voice says, briefly startling the man. He turns around to a sight that could melt even the manliest of men. His youngest daughter Ruby was in her Pajamas holding on to the newest resident of their home, a three month old Corgi that they had decided to name Zwei. "Nothing sweetheart. Daddy's just a little tired." He says getting an "Oh" from his daughter as she puts down the happily yipping puppy. "What'cha doin'?" She says as he turns back to the breakfast. She slowly inches toward the cookie jar Being half asleep he doesn't notice when his daughter asks what a flavor is. His response is that it's like color but for food. "Oh... okay daddy! I'll go look up all the different flavors of waffles." She says as she skips down the hallway. "Yellow Waffles, Red Waffles, Green Waffles, Blue Waffles." She says as her voice gets further away. Sadly, Tai doesn't notice the last one as he continues making breakfast.

-A few minutes later Qrow walks through the door and drops his sword by the door before announcing his arrival. He sits down and asks what's up. Tai mentions his previous conversation with Ruby about how flavors are like colors for food. Qrow, who was resting his head on his shoulders falls forward in shock as he realizes Tai's mistake. "C-colors? Y-you mean like b-blue waffles?" Qrow stammers with a wide eyed expression.

Tai Yang immediately pops to attention like a meerkat with his eyes going as wide as saucers upon hearing Qrow's words. "Dear Monty what have I done!" He screams. The two men look down the hall toward Ruby's room in horror before dashing toward the little girl's room at a Ruby like speed.

They burst into the room with their worst fears confirmed as both Ruby and her seven year old sister Yang are now looking at pictures of diseased genetailia. Ruby looks at Tai with innocent doe eyes and says "Daddy? How do I make candy come out of my hoochie like these girls?" Tai is left frozen in horror briefly before turning to Qrow for answers. The only thing he finds is a single black feather as he hears a crow like sound that distinctly resembles the word 'nope.'

"Coward." He mutters under his breath where his daughters can't see. He looks down to see both of his doe eyed daughters looking expectantly at him. "_Alright Tai, this is it. This is the moment that separates the amateur dad from super dad. You can do this, just come up with the most intelligent response possible._" He says in his head."Uhh..." "_You're a master of wit Tai, a real poet." _He thinks to himself sarcastically. "Y-You don't actually want that happening." He says nervously. "Why?" Ruby chirps. "_Yeah Tai why? Your five year old daughter wants to know why having a venereal disease is a bad thing. Good luck doing that without scarring her for life." _He thinks."Because it's bad for you." He hesitantly replies. "Why?" Ruby repeats.

Tai is sweating bullets at this point. "Uhh..." "_Come on man, you're daughter asked you a question. If you answer it wrong she might realize how much of an idiot you are. All the cookies in the world won't get her respect back!_" It's this moment that a light bulb goes off in his head as he finally has an idea. "It's not candy, it's Oatmeal Raisin cookie dough!" He says emphatically. "WHAT?! BLECH!" Ruby screams before running away from her father. He breathes a sigh of relief the moment she disappears, only to be brought back to reality when he feels a tug on his pants. He looks down to notice his elder daughter still standing there, looking up at him expectantly and his fear returns.

He hears the distinct chatter of a bird laughing and looks over to the window to see a crow with a scroll sat by the window as it watches the poor idiot. "Oh sure, now you come back." He mutters under his breath. He tries to think what Summer would do in this situation. "_She'd probably just distract her by combing her ha-_" He thinks before another light bulb goes off. He smiles sinisterly and says "It'll make your hair fall out!" in a spooky voice. "AHHHHHH!" Yang screams before running out of the room, covering her head with her hands. "I'm definitely going to hell for this." He mutters under his breath as he calmly walks over to the laptop, shuts it down, and picks it up.

He then walks out the door, joined by the chuckling bird as he heads toward an old shed, where he manages to find the axe he uses to chop fire wood. He carries it over to an old tree stump followed by Qrow. Without a word, he takes the axe and starts wildly swinging at the lap top like a panicking mad man while Qrow laughs at him. After he's convinced he has sufficiently destroyed the foul device which tried to corrupts his daughter, he looks over to Qrow and says "Jokes on you bird brain, that was your laptop." He says, silencing the bird man once and for all.


End file.
